Thirsting

Eden Szymura

Amongst other things, this work was written as a love letter to the internet. If you are less chronically online than me, you can find a full reference list at the bottom.

February 2024. Week of university essay deadlines. Stress-induced internet hole. Decide have borderline obsession with the actor Paul Mescal. Mes-cul not Mes-caaal. It’s levi-o-saaaa not levi-o-saarrrrr. Thoughts go as follows:

1. No getting round this being a simpish predictable crush. Am embarrassed to admit am so basic. Painfully unoriginal and screams arty white woman w generational wealth and a love of samba trainers and never one to like a label that only half-fits.

2. Problem is man pops up everywhere we cannot escape we cannot come out. Dude blinks in public or private domain @ 16:00 hours and online gremlins cry hallelujah, produce new memes on the self-labelled sexy sad man, take flight to the algorithm and add best of the crop to the canon by 16:15. 

It’s a slippery slope. One minute you’re laughing at Paul tottling along with 2 cans of G&T and a packet of prawn cocktail crisps and the next it’s 01:37 and you’re on YouTube Shorts the gutter of all social platforms watching him lift big dumbbells looking like a red sexy triangle who might start breathing out steam. 

3. Personal fave is collective obsession with Connell Waldron’s chain. Like what joy that a silly little necklace caused such gravity such grace that the blessed women of Instagram decided it needed its own internet shrine. Scroll and find pic after pic of Normal People Paul in different episodes and different states of 12A undress cos can’t be violating those community guidelines with the hint of a deflated netball can we !!

Course shrine had rippling effect and everyone started ordering chains for their partners hoping it would provide them w the rizz of sexy Mr Mescal from the TV screen. Sadly didn’t work and the average Matt Josh and Harry remained the same as before. Even bought myself one and spent the summer in shirts and baggy shorts but decided was not the right expression for a ratty mad queen who didn’t have any desire to two step, whine or shuffle so back to waiting for someone w a glint around their neck to come mow me down and plough me like steamy Mr Mescal.

4. Paul really be a great catalyst for sexy silly social interactions these days. Will be lying on a blow up mattress w my mate Soph after stomping round central showing the sights to out of town pals and Chicken Shop Dates will become a tonic to our sore-footed recovery.

Amelia speed disarms the dude when she asks if he likes Guiness and he says he’s recently got into it and she says oh funny that cos me too and cracks out a whole pint but only for herself and he’s left Guinness-less and after floundering for a sec he pulls it out of the proverbial interview bag and asks her to split the G and it’s not a tall ask but such a thing sounds absurdly sexual bc it’s coming from his sexy mouth and he can absolutely split our G and we giggle like little girls and prepare to clutch these thirsting straws to the death or at least until tourists pull their finger out and deliver the mezze board that was promised but until then we will rot under the floral patterns of Cath Kidston and Eurohike from circa 2005 and gobble off-beat jokes at expense of blue-eyed Paul and his matching blue corduroy shirt.

5. Work’s no better he’s even infiltrated there. Will be rinsing my glass out in dingy basement kitchen of non-profit workplace and someone in camel-toe jazz shoes will step ball change and ask if I’ve seen Aftersun like I haven’t been asked that every day this week. Course I’ve seen Aftersun course I have still emotionally bereft for seeing it have to repress flashbacks of chancing it alone on a cold dark December night to see young troubled Oscar-nominated Paul capture the many faces of chronic depression. Together camel toe and I dissect if Paul left us numb or sobbing if that’s the end of Bowie and Mercury’s ‘Under Pressure’ as we know it if we need to in good faith ring our fathers and tell them we love them if we can single handedly dismantle patriarchy if he got highlights to become hot sad dad if people are delulu for thinking the ending’s unclear if all this important discourse can be traded for water above fifteen degrees bc the tap in this crumbling building is still running cold and it’s hard being hot and sexy when the spag bol stain just won’t come off your new tupperware.

6. Course everyone seems to have a hot take bout Paul and his love life and half of them are from people who enjoy cooking the five million parts of an Ottolenghi recipe and own philosophy books they’ve actually read. Will be round some dinner table tucking into very nice tahini salmon with almonds and someone will chirp up that they know someone who knows someone who knows someone who absolutely categorically one hundred per cent fact slept w Paul and I’ll sit there thinking it’s rude that if these rumours are gonna swirl I’m not implicated like why not me in some mildly salacious story that winds up on infamous newsletter pop bitch or must it be my future socially mobile children who are destined to rub shoulders w the emerging cultural elite urgh sigh not that level uppy is it !!

7. Guess there’s always parks. The ridiculous legging it from one night stands rumour still gets me every time hahahah. I mean just imagine Mr Mescal ditching some poor woman at Clapham Common and then sprinting past every Schoffel-wearing Deloitte consultant and blonde Australian on their way to Crossfit TM. Pahahah chaos !! Can understand why PR Paul team must have vetoed talking about that one but still the internet has done what the internet does best and turned the rumour into action shots of Paul running in his short Gaelic football shorts and making jokes bout getting new PBs on Strava and best of all clips from Twilight when Edward says to Bella ‘as if you could outrun me’ all the while looking emotionally-repressed-come-constipated as he does for most of the film.

8. Hope the buzz didn’t impact dude’s mental health too much tho but hey in case there’s any truth to it just wanna assert that as nature-deprived country bumpkin I love a park cos nothing like the bliss of escaping underpaid takeaway drivers on road rage death wish for full exercise potential. Do have dodgy hypermobile knees so rlly limits running ability but still willing to incur serious park injury in the name of hypothetically chasing Mr Mescal who has just hypothetically abandoned me after a hypothetically average to passionate night (no intel pure guestimation).

Might really add to the quirks of my personality and how I’m *nOt LiKe OtHeR gIrLs* cos have already broken both my hypermobile elbows jumping off a trampoline as a kid but my knees yet to be temporarily impaired for maximum martyrdom and this time no 2008 Nintendo DSi to keep me company for recovery so Paul better feel guilty and nurse me back to health for my lust-related injury.

9. Did actually happen pon Paul once in an anonymous ratty square. Didn’t test running theory didn’t see his top tier all round very good thighs didn’t even heckle bc am not an animal and have respect for his private life and dignity !! Uni mate Hannah works in decrepit office block nearby and there we were stuffing our faces with Ban Mì and lo and behold there was Paul stuffing his face with a Pret hunched in a cap and smoking a fag thirty metres away and didn’t wanna ruin the clearly life changing moment he was having so didn’t waltz up and say hi but Hannah did take a photo from a distance and I did nearly die of embarrassment but don’t think he noticed miss paparazza or my brush with the devil so it was all good all groovy all okay.

Still am no better. Stayed in square when Hannah cut off gawking. Phoned my mum and acted mysterious while avoiding eye-contact w Paul’s entire half of the square and yes did hurt my neck but feel gave him ample opportunity to notice me ambivalently shining like a beacon but alas no moves made cos Paul was probs preoccupied thinking ‘ah what sweet relief to be left alone’ or ‘what’s up w that beautiful woman’s willful intent to look away from my piercing blue gaze???’ or maybe he was thinking nothing nothing at all but hopes further deflated when a ginger woman in double denim arrived and off the two of them went merrily rolling along.

10. Tell younger writing friend Olivia bout my encounter and general appreciation for Paul and she’s having none of it. We’re there eating lunch under big Batman Uni of London stairs and her and her baby iced gems are talking bad of Paul and me and my chilli harissa chickpeas are half-offended by slander which consists of labelling him a narcissist and giving no reason. Try to be aloof and make half-consolatory hmming noises to show my understanding at her half-decade-less-development and afterwards in comfort of my own company stop and consider if one day the weight of generational rifts is to be measured by those who are young and obsess over Paul and those who are younger and can’t see a good thing when it’s staring you in the face.

11. No denying Paul is softboi adjacent tho or not even adjacent more like firmly inside the centre of the fucking circle I’ll give her that. Fair to say he knows it bc he told MTV the source of all repute that he courts sad feelings and has a vocal love for Mitski and look could never say am above simping after a feelings man I mean feelings good feelings important what be the alternative to feelings but the slow death of numbness and repression but trouble is have had too many near misses with moustache adorning scruffy Adonises who tend to think that having the revelation of being in touch with their feelings negates their need to also be responsible for them. Hopefully not our Paul. Will invest in image of him as wholesome softboi who grew up in well-adjusted household and must be protected from his more prolific brethren.

And yes yes yes we all struggle to express our emotions in the right place in the right way to the right degree if there’s even such a thing as right and maybe that’s Paul the person with person problems bc the dude’s not the messiah or a relational psychotherapist at the end of long life of learning but Paul the actor Paul the thirst trap that gets me thirsting can channel his raw primal feelings into such powerful outward expression that it can only be described as a gift worth sharing. Cos while everyone feels what Paul feels not everyone can do what Paul does even if the scruffy Adonises think they can and will spend three hours talking at you about it bc nature bc nurture bc the means of cultural production.

12. Maybe there’s something then in putting an inaccessible heartthrob on a shiny lil plinth and taking five. Would rather watch Paul films and Paul interviews and fantasise bout how pretty-public-projected Paul is safe and sexy and sure enough at arms length to not cause another menty b only light anguish when he delivers the final blow in All of Us Strangers ‘why did nobody find me?’. But only so much time or tiny violins. Life be too short to hold onto small musical instruments or inaccessible actor men for longer than necessary. 

One day hope to become successful serious writer (branding tbc) and would only be half-mortified if crossed paths w Paul having published in-depth sexy wrangle about him. That would be it. Romantic chances. Over !! Mystery. Ruined !! Can picture being co-guests on Graham Norton – and no I am not talking about the red chair of self-flagellation I am talking about sitting my bum down on the actual sofa of world domination – and the glee in Mr Norton’s face as he puts this long forgotten essay on his purple screen and cackles ‘plough me like Mr Mescal’.

Probably reason enough to publish it. Must take the risk of sitting next to a man I have essentially called a sexy triangle with feelings for the sake of my own self-expression and accept that deep down am rat woman. 

With any sense Paul would say he was very flattered but ask did I get out much in my twenties and I would laugh heartily and say no it wasn’t until my thirties I discovered the power I held over men and began to fully exploit it but in case he tragically takes offense at some of the funniest discourse this side of the millennium I would say am sorry to debase your personhood Mr Paul but am also not sorry not sorry at all bc women are never allowed to rat and rot and thirst in fantastical peace without it having to also be sad or begging or dejected so your feelings are one hundred percent your own and if this has deeply offended you firstly I am actually very deeply sorry and secondly are you okay and thirdly it’s not really even about you is it but ooooookay then whack out the ego and in that moment there would be whoops from the women in the crowd and Self Esteem would start singing in a bad ass suit and off I would walk down the stairs with Graham, waving goodbye forevermore to Mr Mescal and his misguided popularity ratings.

13. Well yes maybe not. But it’s entirely plausible this essay lands into Paul’s lap by some act of deus ex machina or internet ruse and dude might wonder who is this weirdo but fear not Paul am lucky to have unusual Polish surname which really saves on digging Google me and explore !! Recommend my Substack for best first-impression even tho it’s called ‘Yearning’ and yes am aware of irony but trying to reclaim my youth and move past posts on my love of trees in springtime. What can I say Paul it was 11pm on a Thursday night and wanted more zest than deep serious discourse on deep serious things and there you were the seminal actor Paul Mescal on YouTube Shorts the gutter of all social platforms crying out to be written.

14. Probably more likely PR Paul getting their claws in this or maybe legal if they feel I have blasphemed too much and ‘damage has been done’. Does pain me to admit I’ve spent more than a minute catastrophising about being sued by Mr Mescal which seems an egotistical power trip of a thought doesn’t it like come on normal people don’t tottle around being worried about being sued by the man from the Denny’s sausage ad do they.

Can thank my tutor humbling me out of my echo chamber when she said she’d never heard of the Irish man in a tight t-shirt. She wanted to know if Paul would be upset by my writing and all I could think about was the man who chose to correct Greg James that his phone does not sit in a pocket in his short Gaelic football shorts but instead presses naked against his sweaty thigh and bum cheek. No dw Paul we take credibility very seriously here and can confirm it’s all in the public domain babes except when my mate Hannah and I did see you eat a Pret in some random square in September 2024 which really was quite exciting. Must wait with baited breath and make peace w stress dreams until someone w authority goes yh dw babes this is all fine.

What would Freud say ?? Get off the internet babes stop writing bout heartthrob Paul Mescal put the energy towards respectable ethical writing like entirely fictional fiction. Maybe more of a stern ‘accept ur not in the right industry or pub or part of Paul’s private life to actualise his material body and chassé consensually into his artistic arms so stop pining like a wet lettuce and move on’. Nah he’d probs play the Electra card and say stop being hysterical we all know you wanna shag your dad and I would say no Sigmund that is simply not the case why did u have to go and make it weird again but hmm alas time running out to exist w Paul in innocent totally delusional way I have a LIFE to live. Must return to the real frontier of being successful serious writer writing successful serious things and guess all there’s left to say is thanks Paul it’s been real hope u get to live out your Gladiator 2 dreams in peace. Do really love your work. Think it’s sick and great taste. Byeeeeee now. Bye. Oohh ohh ohh please for the love of God do a rom-com like give a smidge of delusional joy. Anyway see you sexy sad man. Okay byeeee now bye. Okay speak soon. Okay yeah I don’t regret a thing. Okay see you soon. Okay take care. Okay. Okay. I’m stopping typing now. Okay. Okay byeeee xx

>>>> (don’t sue me it’s just interviews n memes) <<<<

Chicken Shop Dates, written and directed by Amelia Dimoldenberg, published 26 January 2024: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1T_mVGe0hk> 

Connell’s Chain Instagram Account, created 1 May 2020:

<https://www.instagram.com/connellschain/>

Fan Gropes: ‘Paul Mescal tells of clash with female fan who groped him during selfie’, The Guardian, written by Tom Ambrose, published 23 Feb 2023: <https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/feb/23/paul-mescal-confronts-female-fan-who-groped-him-during-selfie>

Gaelic Football Shorts: 

Radio One Interview: ‘Paul Mescal on “those” short shorts’, @bbcradio1 on TikTok, published 22nd January 2024 <https://www.tiktok.com/@bbcradio1/video/7326971067652721953?lang=en> 

G&T image: ‘Normal People’ Fans Want to See Paul Mescal in Gucci’s Short Shorts, British Vogue, published 10 June 2020 <https://www.vogue.co.uk/news/article/paul-mescal-shorts>

Gladiator Workout: ‘Paul Mescal Reveals Ripped Physique Ahead of Filming ‘Gladiator’ Sequel, Men’s Health, written by Luke Chamberlain, published 22 June 2023 <https://www.menshealth.com/uk/entertainment/a44298432/paul-mescal-ripped-physique-gladiator-sequel/>

Mitski: ‘You heard #PaulMescal: Anything for #Mitski’, @mtv on TikTok, published 1st December 2023: <https://www.tiktok.com/@sarahmakeupandbooks/video/7307963837641166112>

Raya: ‘Raya pls don’t let me down’, @squiderss on TikTok, published 27th December 2023 <https://www.tiktok.com/@brittpaaige/video/7278749260219174177> 

Running Away: 

OG TikTok video

@erinmaysmith on TikTok, published 23rd Dec 2023

<https://www.tiktok.com/@erinmarysmith/video/7315549997930564897?_r=1&_t=8iX7hQm6kEr>

Wider Context and Memes
‘Paul Mescal Running Away from Women’, Know Your Meme, published early 2024 <https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/paul-mescal-running-away-from-women>

Pulling at Pubs: ‘>> Pulling Paul << The latest technique’, published 23rd May 2024 https://popbitch.com/emails/the-fatboy-family-enforcer/ 

Twitter Fodder: ‘Paul Mescal Knows What He Wants’, Vanity Fair, published 14th February 2023 <https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2023/02/paul-mescal-aftersun-oscars-awards-insider>

(if ur really pedantic I have the dates I accessed n everything)