AWAKENING — an extract

Chapter 3

Finally, the spiralling staircase came to an end. Grim, yellow lighting seeped into a small concrete room. A large pane of glass stretched across one wall, reflecting our images and the big steel doors of the freight lift behind us. It reminded me of the type of window found in interrogation rooms; I half expected a detective to be staring back from the other side. Annie pressed a finger to the glass, and a tone sounded as our reflection disappeared.

      It was all I could do to keep my mouth from gaping open; behind the glass was an area so large it looked like it might have once been an aircraft hangar. Within it stood row-upon-row of cylindrical containers, the width of tractor tyres and at least seven-feet tall. It looked like there were miles of the things, joined together by an overhead network of metal pipes.

      'What is this place?' In the distance, two workers in protective clothing wheeled a gurney along an aisle.

      'This is CryoTech, a division of CORE. We elongate and restore life through cryogenic preservation.'

      I could feel her stare upon my face; the workers stopped outside one of the containers in front of the window.

      'Cryogenic preservation?' The term seemed familiar. I noticed how cold the air felt. The workers put the brakes on the gurney.

      'It's a process that preserves the body by freezing. Preserves it until whatever ailed it can be cured.' I felt her look to me once more. I kept my eyes on the workers. 'So, for instance, if a person had cancer and that cancer was incurable in their time, they could have had their bodies frozen until a time when that cancer could be cured.'

      One of the workers typed something into a keypad on the side of the container. A drawer popped open near the base. It was removed and placed on the shelf below the bed of the gurney. They both looked to Annie, she held a hand up to them. They waited.

      'Taylor,' her voice seemed to reach me from a distance, 'they're about to retrieve someone from their chamber. A woman, thirty-four years of age when she died, actual age upon awakening will be two-hundred and ten years.'

      An image surfaced in my mind. A hospital bed wheeled along a corridor with a wall of glass on one side that overlooked a lake. It turned left into a room. My room. My parents stood watching. My phone lay, still charging, on the bedside table. I remembered folders and websites. Research. Charlie, he was there. 

      'All seems a bit farfetched, Tay.'

      'It's only because it's not proven yet, doesn't mean it's impossible.'

      The old, crooked bench under the willow tree. We would sit there for hours.

      'It just seems like a lonely option.'

      I had laughed at him, 'There'll be about ten other people in the chamber with me.'

      He had frowned, not in the mood for joking around, 'That's not what I meant.'

      'Awakening?' My voice was almost inaudible to my own ears. Something I had forgotten was banging against the inside of my brain, shaking me, trying to tell me what it was.

      'So, what if this does become possible? What will happen when you wake up?'

      I could see the look in Mum's eyes, a swirling mixture of fear, sadness, desperation and horror. But around the outsides, encompassing all of that, was the unmistakable sense of understanding.

      All of this… it's crazy, unreal, ridiculous. But something, a niggling sense of familiarity tugged in the back of my mind. More than that, it was belief. I believed her. I believed Annie, this stranger that was spouting the insane.

      I turned on her with an ineffable sense of anger. 'What's going on?'

      Her brows were furrowed, her eyes a little wider and unwaveringly focused on my own.

      Everything was happening in such slow motion. My breath became short and fast. A part of me knew. A small, yet strong part of me accepted. But in my panic, the part that didn't want to believe and held on to the hope that this was all a nasty joke, fought back. It scratched at the back of my eyes until they watered. Shook me by the arms and legs until I couldn't stand. It squeezed at my windpipe and pulled me towards the floor, wrapping me up tightly, if it can hold me together then nothing can get in, not even reality.

      There was a hand placed on my shoulder that caused that small part of me to recoil at its touch.

      'Taylor.'

      I pulled my head to my knees even tighter. It's not true, it's not true, it's not true.

      'Taylor, come and see.'

      The hand on my shoulder gently pulled so that I uncoiled from my protective ball. A cloth, or a sleeve, wiped my face. Another hand stroked my hair.

      'I don't want to see it.' My voice was broken, the words hardly forming between sobs.

      'I'm not going to show you that room anymore. There's something else. Let's go upstairs.'

      A man's voice joined Annie's. 'Help me move her on to the chair.'

      They lifted me on to a wheelchair and called for the lift.

      I could hear the squeak and churn of the lift's mechanisms, straining as it lowered its heavy weight. With my back to that room and escape imminent, a thousand thoughts rushed through my mind at an incomprehensible speed. Fragmented memories intertwined with recent observations. I remembered reading about Cryonics, a science on the rise in popularity, a hope for a second chance to live. I remembered initial arguments with my family which turned into endless debates, a constant back and forth of scientific research that claimed to prove and disprove cryonic plausibility. The room I woke up in was unrecognisable, the clothes worn by staff were different, the world itself felt quieter.

      By the time the lift strained to a halt and the doors screeched open, feeling had returned to my legs. Adrenaline now pumped throughout my body in the need to get out of there.

      The man released the brakes on the chair.

      'I can walk.'

      He paused. I hoisted myself out and stepped into the lift, keeping my back to that room. If I couldn't see it, then it didn't exist. I knew it was a childish notion, but it was better to believe in that logic than it was to accept what these people are insinuating.

      When the doors closed behind me, I turned, leaning against the back of the lift. The cool metal against my skin was reassuring, it was about the only thing that felt remotely real.

      Connor pulled something that looked like a very thin smart phone out of his back pocket and began tapping at it.

      It was as good a distraction as any. 'What is that?'

      'I'm checking your heart rate and blood pressure.' His words were flat, almost routine.

      Annie spoke gently as she said, 'You're in a very stressed state Taylor, we need to keep an eye on your heart. It's just a precaution.'

      I looked from Connor to Annie and back again. He didn't have a strong stare like Annie. Hers was like compulsion, and his had no weight to it whatsoever. He had a kind face and a patient expression, I felt that, maybe, he'd be honest.

      'What's the date?'

      He paused momentarily and placed the screen back in his pocket before saying, 'It's the tenth of October. The year is 2563.'

      His eyes didn't blink, his voice didn't falter. That was enough. The fragments of memory ceased their whirring around my mind and began to join together. I had planned this, chosen to be cryogenically preserved. I hadn't wanted to die. But right now, I didn't feel that I wanted to be alive either.

      The doors creaked open, a figure stood in the doorway. I couldn't focus on who it was, nothing was clear to me in this moment, I felt consumed by a sinking hollow feeling. It was sucking everything that I was into a deep pit, where I was no longer able to feel anything, not anger, not joy, not fear or sadness. It was taking my senses as well, sounds were a confusion of incoherent dull tones, I had no idea if my hands were hot or cold and the world seemed to merge into something grey and shapeless.

      I felt so tired. So incredibly exhausted. I just wanted this to be over, to wake up, or pass on. I wished with all of my might that it wasn't true, that it wasn't real, but there was something solid, a piece of my mind that couldn't be convinced that this was not reality.

      'I… I need, to sit.' The words were no more than a breath, but I felt someone take hold of my arms and lead me out of the elevator.

      Doors flashed by in a blur, light streamed in through the windows and ceiling, blocking the corridor from my view with large spots of red, orange and yellow.

      I could no longer tell if I was walking or being carried. I felt simultaneously heavy and weightless.

      The gleaming light disappeared as we entered a darker room. The arms that had been holding me up, gently sat me down on a sofa. A glass of water found its way into my hands, I stared at the liquid as it rocked back and forth in the glass, I only noticed that I was crying when tears dropped into the water.

      Focusing on the shape of the glass, the stillness of the water and then the way it moved when I rotated my wrist, the drops of condensation as they slid down the side, my senses began to return. Still numb, I could just make out the coolness of the glass against my palms and the slick layer of water that covered my fingertips. I felt reassured by the weight of it in my hands. It was a simple inanimate object, but its very presence was real, it was something I could cling to, the only thing that, right now, I knew was absolutely certain.

      Sounds began to regain meaning. I could hear the rumble and click of a kettle, the bang of a cup, gradually voices ceased to be incoherent murmurs and instead became soft, distant sounds with definition.

      'Well, she hasn't passed out yet, so that's a good sign.'

      Someone tutted, 'This is on you Liu!'

      'What are you talking about? She's already doing better than every other patient.'

      'How can you be so relaxed about this? Look at her! She's petrified.'

      I gathered the strength to look up. Liu, the man from the office yesterday, was sat with Annie on a dark leather sofa positioned around a glass coffee table.

      Catching my eye, he rose from his seat and strode over to me, perching on the edge of the table. With every manner of a doctor addressing his patient he said, 'Hi Taylor, do you remember me from our meeting yesterday?'

      I nodded.

      'That's good.' He paused, observing me constantly. 'And what about your other memories, do you understand what is happening now?'

      Did I understand? That word suddenly had so many interpretations. I nodded again, slower.

      Liu rested his forearm on his knees, 'Connor, what is your assessment?'

      There was a moment of silence before he answered, and when he did he was very careful with his words. 'Taylor is certainly strong. She had almost perfect mental capacity upon awakening, the definition of her memory was better than that of anyone we have encountered before.' He paused. 'But I think it's wise not to push her. She may be capable of a faster adjustment period but if we push too hard, the damage may be irreversible.'

      Annie's voice jumped in. 'Well there we are then,' she brought her hands down slapping them on her lap. 'She's had enough for today. Connor, take her back to her room.'

      'Don't move Connor.'

      'I'm warning you Liu.' Annie's voice rose an octave.

      Liu ignored her, instead turning back to me he asked, 'Do you want to go back to your room Taylor? If you do, then Connor can escort you now. We can explain more tomorrow.'

      There was silence, apart from a lone huff from Annie. I refocused my eyes on the water. My throat felt dry, all I would have to do is take a few gulps, the water would be gone, and my throat would feel better. I raised the glass to my lips, feeling all three pairs of eyes follow my action. All I needed to do was hear what they had to say, answer their questions and then I could sleep. I wouldn't have to feel any of this, or be aware of anything real, I could just sleep.

      I finished off the water and put the glass on the coffee table. Opposite me, at the far end of the table, stood a thin, oblong shaped shard of glass that I thought resembled a television screen.

      'I want to stay.' The words came out hoarse and broken. 'I want to understand.'

      Connor stood up. He went to the kitchenette at the back of the room and came back holding something small and rectangular. He took a seat next to me, toying with the object in his hands.

      'You want to know everything now? What happened to you? Why you're here?' My head still felt dizzy, but I managed a nod. He looked at me, still bearing that patient expression, his brow tensed only slightly. 'Here,' he held the object out to me, 'hit play on this.'

      I took the object tentatively, when my thumb touched the surface it lit up to reveal buttons like on a remote control. 

      'What's it for?' My voice was barely more than a whisper, my strength must have been seeping out of my body while I'd been sitting here, even holding this small object made my wrists hurt.

      Connor rested his forearms on his knees before replying, 'When a person signs up for Cryonic Preservation, they are required to leave a recorded message to their future self. This message is to explain, without doubt, the choice that they have made and why they made it. The thinking was that, if a person wakes up without memory, who better to hear the truth from than themselves?' He looked over his shoulder at me. 'Your message is loaded on that screen,' he said pointing to the thin screen opposite, 'push play on that when you're ready to watch it.'

      My mind went blank for a moment. When I push play, my past self would appear on that screen, with a message for me, words I once spoke but now have no memory of. It made my head spin even more.

      'Can I have some more water?'

      Annie jumped up. 'Of course, you can.' She grabbed my glass and came back shortly after with more ice-cold water. I held it in my hands, again watching the water move within the glass.

      Liu spoke, breaking my focus, 'If you would like Taylor, we can leave you alone to watch it?'

      No, that wouldn't be necessary. I wasn't sure if they had seen the recording, I only guessed that they had. But no, I didn't want to watch this alone. If I did, then I might convince myself that I was dreaming.

      I shook my head. They all waited silently. I stared back at the water. Just another few gulps and it's gone. I took a couple of steadying breaths and pushed play.

      The screen switched on, straight to an image of a girl with long dark hair and wearing a black shirt with multi-coloured planets embroidered on it. It was my favourite shirt. I had forgotten how ill I had looked, the face on the screen was drawn and pale, her hair looked dull and thin and she had dark circles under her eyes.

      'Hi. So, this is weird right? Very weird. I don't know exactly what to say, or if you are even ever going to hear me say it. But I'm going to try, try and do my best.'

      I stared, frozen, at the screen. It was me; it was my voice. It sounded so familiar, yet so strange, so unrecognisable.

      'I don't know what state you're going to be in right now. I've tried imagining it, well, I can imagine all I like, I, the me here now, will never know. I can only hope that you have found out, because then that would mean this worked and I put my faith into more than an absurd, ridiculous dream.' My past-self paused briefly, she looked like she was trying to be hopeful, but I could see the worry in the crinkle under her eyes. My eyes.

      'This is going to be the message that will let you know what the hell is going on. So, no pressure, right?' She choked out a nervous laugh. How must she have been feeling? She, I, knew what was coming and had no clue if it would really be the end or not.

      'Well, I hope I do it right, I hope that this will bring you some kind of comfort, wherever you are.' She looked down at her hands as if whatever she saw there gave her courage. 'It's not going to be easy. Well I don't think it will be.' She inhaled deeply before returning her eyes to the camera. Mine. My eyes to the camera.

      'So, I'm you, obviously. But I'm the you that's still sick, or, well, that used to be sick. I'm sorry, it's confusing. It's 2020 and I have terminal cancer.' Cancer. It's in my liver. I haven't even thought about it since waking up. I don't know if it is still there.

      I hit pause. 'Cancer.'

      Connor, Annie and Liu were all looking at me, waiting patiently as I tried to string a coherent sentence together.

      'Am I… Do I still have it?'

      Liu answered, 'No.' He let it sink in for a moment before continuing. 'When you were awoken, you underwent a surgery that removed and cured the cancer you died from.'

      That I died from. Those words resounded in my mind, they bounced throughout a series of thoughts and memories. So many appointments, so many surgeries, all the time I knew that I wasn't going to survive. And I didn't, yet here I am. I shot my focus back to the glass in my hand. Just a few more gulps. The video can't be too much longer. Then you can sleep. I took a breath and prepared to continue. Another second passed, and I hit play.

      'There isn't a cure in this time, but maybe there will be in the future. That's what we hope. I don't know what the year is for you, I hope it isn't too far in the future because I would really love to see my family and friends again.' She stopped suddenly, a pained smile on her face as she blinked away tears. 'There's no hope for you here. I will die in 2020 and you did. But you weren't ready for it.' She smiled directly down the lens. 'You're so full of life and I hope to God that you still are, that you've been given that chance to live again, and really live this time.'

      My stomach clenched. With every word, I was believing it more and more. 'It's the only reason I have taken this decision, that you have the chance to live a full life this time around. That you have fun, study whatever interests you, get your dream job, fall in love, have kids someday, basically all of those normal things that people do in a lifetime. Go and see the world. I don't know what type of world you've woken up to, but whatever it is I hope it's beautiful. I hope it's exciting, so you can really make the most of it. Experience all that it has to offer, meet new people, live among new cultures, just live it, all of it.

      'I don't know what you know about cryonics. I don't know if you'll remember anything of what you once learned or if you have learned anything already, wherever and whenever you are. But that's what you chose. What we chose. We chose to be cryonically preserved upon our death. I shouldn't say our death, it's only mine, you're still living. When I finally die, here in 2020, my body will be frozen and taken to a facility in America where I will be cryonically preserved. Hey, maybe you're still in America. That'll be exciting, I've never been. Truth is, I don't know where you'll be. You could be back in England. They told me that cryogenic preservation is more popular than ever. They could have expanded, opened a facility here and brought you back. I don't know, it's wishful thinking on my behalf. I'm petrified of going abroad on my own. Sounds stupid, doesn't it?

      'Now listen, and this is very important so listen carefully. I'm with you. I'll always be with you. Everything I have lived you have lived, everything you will live so will I. You might feel lonely. You might feel disorientated or out of place, but the world is still the same world and you belong in it. Think of it as having up-and-moved and started afresh. You've been so fortunate to be given this second chance. Take it, embrace it and I'll help.'

      The screen froze on her face. My face.

      My face in 2020.

      I died in 2020. I died.